Staying Away...ke

Fot those of you who don't know. Coffee was not meant wake you up in the morning. It was meant to keep you awake at night. It induces nightmares, tossing, turning, etc. Oh, yes, and thinking about the saddest things you've ever imagined. Even things that haven't happened. Your lover dies, your unborn child dies, your best friend dies, and you are alive and have to bear it all. Maybe in these conscious nightmares you are alone. Everywhere you go. You are completely alone. And no matter how much you care about the person sitting two feet away from you, they don't care back. They can't even see you, they're not looking. And no matter how many people walk by who are just as alone as you are, you can't talk to them, because you were meant to be alone. And when your dog runs away and you fail all your classes and you crash your car and your house gets broken into and you overdose on pain medication and you bleed too much and your alarm clock goes off two minutes too early...then I guess you can wake up.
And realize you never slept at all.

I remain voiceless because there is no one to speak for me

I hate this place. I read old emails because I don't have any new ones. They're all filled with hate and rage against everyone who doesn't call or write...anymore. I don't usually cry, but he's sitting at the other computer and he doesn't care so I might as well. There are so many sharp objects around, so many possibilities, but I won;t go back there if I don't have to. And I know I don't have to, there has to be another way out. The only problem is I can't find it, it's not on the damn map! What am I supposed to do now, I've already cut so many ties and left them bleeding in my past and now what? Am i to be expected to pick them up and do my best to tie them together and make them work properly? I'm not a damn surgeon! I'm not a physical therapist! I don't have the time or patience. So I'm still me. Sorry. No, really. I'm sorry.

Awkward

It was summer. A wednesday afternoon. I walked into the library and recognized her

immediately by her long blonde hair. I automatically went to the other side of the room, where ifshe did see me, she would only see the back of me and hopefully she wouldn't want to talk. I loadup my email. Oh my god. I have a message from her boyfriend. Please, not this. I hate drama. Iam drama's life enemy. I would do anything to save my world from it even if it means appearingemotionless altogether and cutting a few ties here and there. I read the message.
It's more lame B.S.
Move to trash. sign out. Exit library. She waves at me on my way out. I wave back. "Seeyou later?" "yeah, see ya"
Life is so weird.

Double-shot

In one morning I was kidnapped by an evil villain,
Trapped in a photograph,
A saint mending the broken
and all of this took place before I left my car.
I was a friend missing in action,
Unrecognized by the forgotten,
forced to make a promise I will now be forced to keep,
Completely content to be where I am right here and right now.

Day 1.

I need a change. I need to get my life back on track wherever the hell that is.
I need something...I think I need God.
I thought I had God. I guess I didn't. I guess I don't? What the hell am I supposed to do now? So I've spent my summer telling kids how they can know God, and I didn't even know what I was talking about. Am I going to hell for that stunt? So, stop wondering. You're going to wonder for days, how you made it through your life alive up till now. You already know it sucked. Your life sucks, and it's your fault. Asshole. You're a liar, you're a total sham. You're no better than the rest of them. Oh....Holy crap. The rest of them. The rest of the people who claim to be Christians. The perpetually happy ones, the canned ones,the drunk ones, the shallow ones. You. Are the fake one.
Oh...jeez. God......?......what now? I guess I'm sorry. I don't know how much that's gonna help. I know you probably hate me so I can't do much can I? Besides I'm kind of busy now, so maybe later...we can talk? Or maybe I should just stop pretending I can ever be a Christian, because I'm never going to grow, and I'm never going to stop failing you. Whichever seems easier, I guess. I don't pray much anymore anyway. So...See ya.